Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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