you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
