turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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