It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
