We're like a lot better than the average bears
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
