hotel room ftw
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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