he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
