I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
