the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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