Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
