So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
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just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
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Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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