return my video game
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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