I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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