And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
