I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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