I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish you could order shots online.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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