I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
