how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
