I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
