God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
