if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
