I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
