just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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