I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
