I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
