I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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