my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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