i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
