dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
