Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
