My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
