I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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