That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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