I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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