I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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