There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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