The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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