My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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