They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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