I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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