worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
