based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
