How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
