I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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