god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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