Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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