You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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