Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
