My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
