Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Randomize
