If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
