i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
