We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
