I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
