Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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