sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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