Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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