she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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