There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.