Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
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I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
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P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit