you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
