Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
